Today was a hard day. We all get those days right, where pressure piles on top of pressure, where we feel like every muscle in our bodies is tense.
Well 12 months ago this would have ruined my weekend. Stop, rephrase I would have ruined my weekend.
So what happened?
Well it all began at 4am this morning when my son Ollie decided sleep was not on his agenda…
It is easy to let tiredness be an excuse for not being productive, positive or even nice. I do not think I was the nicest I could have been to Ollie this morning; each tiny sound he made added to MY mood. Each scream just made ME feel more and more tense and on edge.
He got worse…
I could go on, but to summarise my day events were similar to this:
Food throwing, tantrum, screaming, playing, laughing, walk, sun, pram, visit grandparents, food throwing, tantrum, laughing, exploring, crazy, running, meeting new people, having juice, tantrum in pram, off to nanas….mummy breaths.
So you may be able to see why I was feeling a bit uptight. I did do something about it later in the day, I went for a walk and reflected on what could have gone better, I even relaxed and came to a conclusion. Then as I was breathing through the stress and processing my thoughts the penny dropped. I recalled something a healthcare professional had said to me a year ago ‘a baby is a barometer of the mum’
That was it, I spent the day saying ‘why me, why me’ well now I know. It was me.
Now this may seem to contradict my title, but bare with me. Ollie has been through relocating, new surroundings, mummy home full time and daddy not being around for 2 weeks and I thought that was really affecting him. It is. However what is making him worse is that I am stressed as well and he is sensing that. I am putting pressure on myself to do everything, see everyone and not giving him chance to relax or myself.
He knows when I am happy and he knows when I am down, he knows before I do sometimes. It made perfect sense when I looked at the past few weeks and his behaviour pattern.
So I know I am not helping Ollie’s stress levels and his unsettled feeling, but, and this is where my title comes in, I now realise there is no point in living in that past reaction to his screaming, or tantrums I now KNOW what I need to look for and that is a NEW reaction to it. So I WILL NOT be hard on myself and beat myself up about today, I will MOVE ON, GROW and LEARN.
When I next see him (he is having a sleep over with his Nana) I will be giving him a huge hug and tell him just how much I love him. I will also thank him for constantly challenging me, because each time our bond grows.
With Love to my beautiful boy Ollie.