I realise this post is a day behind, and originally it was going to be about the worry of being a mum in relation to missing key events when your working, or your baby being closer to his carers than you. As I finish full time work in 4 days I thought it would be a great topic as it is a huge factor to why I am taking this step. However last night changed my thoughts as my son was quite ill with a bug and it made me think back to the scariest moment I have had since being a mum.
As a mum I imagine everyone has a moment when they really are terrified while their children are babies. Mine happened when our baby boy was just 5 days old. It never crossed my mind that I could feel so much love, protection and fear in such large amounts all at the same time.
Ollie fed really well but wouldn’t keep down his milk, we were told some babies are ‘sicky’ babies and we got on with it. But at five days old his sick episodes became violent and the last time he was sick he went lethargic and limp. I remember it so well because I dressed him in a dinosaur outfit I’d loved from Next and took a picture (I thought he was just sleeping). Needless to say I haven’t been able to look at the picture since and he never wore the much loved outfit again either. He wouldn’t respond to us when we spoke, or when we did any of the waking techniques the NHS told us to try. I was becoming hysterical and begging Ollie to wake up for me. I honestly do not know how I didn’t scream at the NHS nurse when she repeated all of the questions the first assistant had already asked… I just wanted them to tell me how to make my son better.
My husband Dan was amazing during the whole thing, he dealt with calling NHS direct, the paramedics turning up, packing a bag, and the arrival my great aunt who was visiting from France to see Ollie for the first time. He was calm, practical and held everything together. He is my rock in any situation. I however spent the agonising journey to the hospital shaking and watching as they fed Ollie glucose while he was asleep/lethargic. As if he knew I wouldn’t be able to take much more worry Ollie perked right back up again (no doubt on a sugar rush from the Glucose) looking at me and the nurses as if to say ‘I am ok, what are you worried about’.
Writing this I know other mums go through scarier moments and to all of you I send my love and thoughts. There is no feeling as scary as knowing you child is unwell and you can do nothing about it.
But on a happy note, after a few days of not really knowing I was a mum, that 5th day really woke me up and made me feel so protective and fearful and for that I am thankful. So to end, yes I was terrified and I as the quote says I will never stop worrying, the worrying has just evolved..now I worry every time he decides he is going to run towards our large cabinet and falls head first.
Love to all you mums and mums to be x Have you had feelings like these?
(Photos above, Ollie at 11 and a half months and the picture taken when he was 5 days old and went to hospital).