As I’m building my blog to share my adventure of opportunity I thought I would spend some time exploring some of the thoughts I’ve had that led to this point.
Being a full time working mum! How did you feel about your job when you found out that you were expecting?
It is hard to admit but when I found out I was expecting, I was set on going back to work early and being a full time working mum and having my baby in childcare. I was not very maternal and I did not believe anyone when they said I would want more time off for maternity. ‘I love my job’ I would say and I couldn’t imagine not being there all the time and wanting to spend all my time at home with a baby.
On January 3rd 2013 my son Ollie Bug was born by emergency c-section and for three months I did what I was meant to do, but I was still happy about going back to work full time. I went back when Ollie was 4 months old and still for about 2 months I was ok with the whole situation. I can not remember exactly when it was, but I had one of those moments when one of Ollies carers (who were family members) sent me a picture of him in a walker, which I had not even bought for him yet and that was when the Penny dropped; what a heavy penny it was too.
I was suddenly consumed by feelings of regret and remorse and suddenly hindsight was my new conscience! I have spent the last few months really missing Ollie every second he is away from me and feeling a little helpless with what to do. I know I can’t change what I have missed but I also don’t want to miss anymore.
Although I know I’ve set in motion the steps to be with him more I still can’t shift the nagging voice of hindsight. Did anyone else feel the same?