As I’m building my blog to share my adventure of opportunity I thought I would spend some time exploring some of the thoughts I’ve had that led to this point.
Being a full time working mum! How did you feel about your job when you found out that you were expecting?
It is hard to admit but when I found out I was expecting, I was set on going back to work early and being a full time working mum and having my baby in childcare. I was not very maternal and I did not believe anyone when they said I would want more time off for maternity. ‘I love my job’ I would say and I couldn’t imagine not being there all the time and wanting to spend all my time at home with a baby.
On January 3rd 2013 my son Ollie Bug was born by emergency c-section and for three months I did what I was meant to do, but I was still happy about going back to work full time. I went back when Ollie was 4 months old and still for about 2 months I was ok with the whole situation. I can not remember exactly when it was, but I had one of those moments when one of Ollies carers (who were family members) sent me a picture of him in a walker, which I had not even bought for him yet and that was when the Penny dropped; what a heavy penny it was too.
I was suddenly consumed by feelings of regret and remorse and suddenly hindsight was my new conscience! I have spent the last few months really missing Ollie every second he is away from me and feeling a little helpless with what to do. I know I can’t change what I have missed but I also don’t want to miss anymore.
Although I know I’ve set in motion the steps to be with him more I still can’t shift the nagging voice of hindsight. Did anyone else feel the same?
My son is nearly 20 and I still feel guilty that I had to work even though it was part time in his early years. If I had the time again I would do things differently. You are right to follow your instincts.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. We all know we are working to provide for our little ones but I don’t doubt that many of us feel guilty for doing it x
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